dispatch 001
i started the new year by sweating profusely to a juliana huxtable b2b michael magnan set for almost three hours straight in a giant warehouse at 1:00 in the afternoon on new years day. raving every quarter from mid-morning to the late afternoon is the greatest morale boosting discovery 2025 offered me.
at the end of december i received a 3 hour long reading from my friend tahnee who has been studying astrology for over 20 years. we went through my transits up until the start of the venus in scorpio retrograde (aka my transformative heartbreak transit that happens every 8 years like clockwork). i was telling vjolla during one of our long calls that I was dreading it and they smiled at me and said, "you're already grieving and it hasn't even happened yet..." i think about this transit at least once a day and i'm hoping the venus meet-up Ace is facilitating this upcoming sunday can offer some perspective, prompts, comfort or reframing for this time.
among many things, tahnee said my 2026 would be about sharpening my knives, knowing the difference between perceived threat and actual threat and self-mastery.
recently, hobbes and I were trying to flesh out the difference between discipline and devotion. for me, discipline is when I decide to show up even when I feel humbled; devotion is when my heart is finally in it. discipleship is where belief becomes action. devotion is when the discipline is finally felt. hobbes said it was the same coin, just two different sides. i chewed on that for a few hours after we got off the phone.
i've been on a social sabbatical for the last two weeks. the plan has been to cut down my social time with others until the end of march so i could have more space to reconnect with myself, develop better daily routines and habits, spend less money and be more intentional about how i share my time and energy. i also decided an instagram break would need to go hand in hand with the sabbatical because i wanted to assess my relationship to attention. i like attention... i mean i really really like attention, but who's attention have i been reaching for? what attention feels good? i recently started dating someone and as my own attention has diverted to our budding connection over the past couple of months, the social media break hasn't had much of its usual impact where i am squirming and curious to log back on (though i do miss the friends i talk to on there). i think i have been unconsciously using instagram as a dating app? obviously, it wasn't working. an actual dating app did though. shoutout to feeld.
this is good though! if 2026 is for discipline and self-mastery then it gets to be a time to be humbled. i am not expecting applause this year and that's a huge relief because then i can try things and not be sniffing out for a "good job" / one of those things happens to be writing in this space regularly and in my long-term fantasy, perhaps as a replacement to my IG use.
i spent the last few weeks of december practicing "matter over mind" because i am a disciple of overthinking. think less, just do. move slow, but do. slow and consistent, but do. do not wait for inspiration or motivation, just do. do not react immediately, but take a pause and then just do. not perfect, but done. i need to remember that discipline isn't asking for me to come perfectly, improvement will reveal itself with consistency. "matter over mind" also because my mind is my biggest OP and filled with perceived threats. i also want to spend the next few years more in my body and less in my head - dancing, eating, exercising, sleeping, making love, fucking, gardening, sewing, biking, swimming, walking and maybe if i'm lucky i will find a horse to ride.
over + out, kos