dispatch 003
In four days my social sabbatical ends with a quiet, sweet but anti-climactic hum. I leave for New York this weekend to see some friends I've missed and then will bid farewell to the continent for the first time in my life to visit a new unexpected sweetie who has been transforming and expanding my heart space.
Several things have changed in my internal and material worlds, but I have been feeling this emerging protection over myself that I can't quite put into words yet. Maybe I am still unfurling from dormant season. Maybe this is a new normal.
Writing has been feeling harder to do with spring's arrival and I'm wondering if it's because winter is my season for reflection and spring is when it's time for me to put my mind to rest and my body and spirit into action.
I wrote in a drafted post a couple of month's ago: To be honest, I don't know what I want anymore... the structures of things? My identity? My love life? Work? The language, models or labels for things I've reached for for the last decade don't particularly resonate with me in this moment.
So that's where I'm at right now.
Last weekend, as a part of my slow emergence into socializing, I went to a friend's birthday gathering and was having a conversation about my social break. I remember saying that I feel incredibly self-possessed (which is true), but what I remember thinking later that night and telling a friend the next day over dinner is that many of the things I thought I wanted have completely dissolved. I don't feel in crisis over it, but the possibilities do feel vast. I have only ever known this feeling during my rock bottoms and it feels unfamiliar to hold when I am experiencing the most emotional and material stability I have ever known in my entire adult life.
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As a part of my own personal winter pruning, I decided to deactivate my IG profile. I won't think piece regarding it, it's really quite simple: I logged on, my home feed was mostly ads and/or strangers I didn't follow carouseling about this week's discourse (and how whatever it is that I think about this or that, is in fact right or wrong) and what I did see my friends talking about in their stories were things I would much rather hear about at length during a walk, see in person, read in a letter or talk about on the phone. There was no desire to post or announce my return to the social world. After 15 minutes I felt nauseous and overwhelmed so I deactivated. I would like to reach for pleasure where I can get it these days and it is hard to access there. Very hard.
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The things that have been bringing me joy these days:
- My co-workers who have knocked out the most intense pruning season I have experienced in my work as an orchardist. Almost 3 months of pruning squeezed into 4-5 weeks because of all the rescheduling. They've also been very supportive of me as I practice and implement leading certain programs or discussions. I feel very lucky to work with who I work with but I'm a 6H venus, so I usually love who I work with haha
- Louie! ₍^. .^₎⟆ I love little rascal energy / I really love air signs
- Listening to the most recent Turnstile album on looooop
- Monthly dates with Deja + Indy <3 / the only social activity I kept during my sabbatical because I needed the nourishment
- Night calls with V - a moment to gush: I really like them :')
- An astro calendar Dom gifted me called C U Next Tuesday that has been an absolute delight for my personal transit study
- My monthly astrology container with Tahnee - friendship, mentorship, study and consistency -- all of my favorite things. I did not experience the February shake-ups a lot of my peers did because I was ready for the astro weather. If you haven't booked Tahnee yet, you need to like right now or at least before this year's Venus Rx.
- Getting to reunite with close friends through the mundane - walks, dinner, running into each other in the world and hugging long and tight.
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That is my very uneventful monthly dispatch! Perhaps I will feel like keeping things a little less close to the chest next month.
Thinking of you when I see the blooms,
Kos ˖°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･