dispatch 005
I told myself at the end of my "social sabbatical" in March that I would extend my Instagram break until June. June looms and extending it through the end of the year feels like the path I will most likely take. I have still been quite active on other social media platforms including my old tumblr account, where I post daily without too much thought, in a way that briefly takes me back to 2014 and the finsta I've had since 2019 in which I am following no one and am followed by no one; it is a personal archive where I delight and reflect in my own mythology.
I am still feeling quite private these days, which explains my hesitation to return to the app publicly, despite missing many of the friends I am only in contact with through that space. A couple of months ago, I had this recurring thought while assessing my relationships, "If someone was only in relationship with me by passively watching what I was doing through my IG stories and posts, perhaps we are not truly friends and they don't need to have access to what I share regarding my personal life." I was feeling unfit for human consumption at the time and ready to close myself off from anyone I didn't consider a close and trusted friend. For no other reason other than, I finally felt at peace after years of various relational hardships and fiercely protective from any potential threats that would introduce friction into my world via someone who could/would misunderstand me.
After some time, I remembered that life gets to be more complicated than that. What about all the people that I passively watch and interact with? What about years of internet friendships I've developed with people who sincerely care about me and my well being even if we don't talk off-app everyday? What about the fact that realistically, even if everyone I knew online existed in my life offline, not everyone could be a close friend. We do not all have that kind of time, capacity and energy.
Additionally, it is not lost on me that I can be hard to access from time to time. People make sincere efforts to connect with me. I am often tired, busy, devoted to more established longterm relationships or in a period of solitude (which as I get older, I am realizing I need a lot of). I want spaciousness and grace around that and this means I ought to have that kind of flexibility too.
There is value and potential in the acquaintance, the mutual, the online friend. Also, allowing myself to be misunderstood, come off as weird, not be somebody's cup of tea without it shaking my sense of self, joy and zest for life has its value too. I have been in a long divorce around the story of whether I am "good" or "bad." Am I living up to my own values? Do I feel embodied? Am I having fun? Is it hurting others or myself?
Uranus entered my 3H and will make contact with my Gemini Mars in the next few years. This years long transit will also make trines with all of my other air placements (fun fact: I have an air grand trine and it keeps me from being a sergeant general and controlling menace towards everyone I love <3) which are all placed in very relational houses. How I communicate with people I'm in relationship with (intimately, within community, in my neighborhood, potentially with distant relatives, with friends, on the internet) will be undergoing some unexpected and experimental changes! I'm excited and curious about it. What will I want to say in the next 7-8 years? How will I say it? What will I discover or invent? There are things I want to say, but I am searching for the language to deliver it in. Perhaps they won't be written! Maybe they will! Who knows...
Public IG now, later or never again, my stories around public digital perception and attention (both given and received) needed some restructuring and the break has been felt. Even doom scrolling on my finsta explore page gives me a physical nausea that could only be developed from enough time away from an endless feed. I've enjoyed doing monthly updates on this blog. Even though it's online, there is something about a personal blog inaccessible via an algorithm that, in this accelerating age of AI, almost feels analogue... am I doing too much by saying that? I don't care! I wish more of my friends had newsletters. I really like the internet. I actually enjoy technology. I have hope that even in the age of surveillance, slop, AI, etc etc etc that we can forge new ways to be in relationship with it that feel playful, experimental, expansive and less extractive. Is that possible? That's me being optimistic.
When I said I am not a writer during this time, I don't know how true that could really be. As I said, I'm searching for language aside from what can be written down but this is also what is most familiar to me. I've been spending the last few months thawing out on the dancefloor (perhaps my current favorite language), having lazy Sundays in New York and at home, feeling both more confident in my work as an orchardist and also some restlessness around my purpose, enjoying my home and privacy, getting stoned with my friends, lifting weights (and being humbled every day) at home because my knee health is deteriorating and falling madly in love! Deeply, nourishingly, whole-heartedly, belly deep in love.
I wrote about how falling in love was simply "plain ol' luck" in October and then almost a month later to the date, as if the universe said, "Yes, you understand. Now, here you go!" I met V, who I have experienced in my body as the physical manifestation of a sigh of relief and the sudden unclenching of my fists. Not only because V is a result of choosing differently, but because I have changed.
I believe meeting V was fate. I am also convinced that in this current timeline, I probably have about 200 other soulmates on the planet. I am sure that I've already dated 3 of them and I'm raising a kid with one of them now, but the timing upon crossing paths was not meant for a long season. Being open, equipped and ready to be in relationship with V at what finally feels like the right time has felt like a four leaf clover kind of luck and I'm relentlessly grateful for them and everyone that has brought me to them. I am grateful for the friendships where I have been so beloved and nourished, I can recognize when someone is good for me because of what I already have.
Other areas of interest:
I watched Total Recall with my friend Cece and got stoned off of 12ish mg and I cannot get over this film. The 1980's depiction of the future was far more creative than where we've found ourselves and the Ruveal towards the end? Girl... I was beside myself. Cece also made the juiciest, most delicious salad I've ever had with a load of leafy greens, generous sprigs of dill, freshly squeezed lemon, olive oil, kewpie mayo and CHICKEN NUGGETS to curb our munchies. I made it for lunch today and it is now my official midday meal of the summer. I'm telling you, the amount of greens you'll chow down eating this is serious. Counting down the days until we do it again <3 I love you Cece!
During Mother's Day I spent the day food prepping and listening to music (yes, I was stoned doing this too... I'm definitely in my natashahasthemunchies era since Saturn and Neptune left my 12H in Pisces). My brother was blasting all of the album "The Passionate Ones" by Nourished by Time and of course I spent the entirety of the week listening to nothing else. Check out out tracks 9 2 5 and BABY BABY and make sure you have plenty of space to throw your body around.
I go to New York about 1-2x a month and stay with some very generous friends who let me crash on their couch when I'm in the city to dance for the weekend or just want a break from home. Last drop-in, I did almost none of the things I had wanted to do, but I did clean all the dishes! It made me wonder... how many other friends need their dishes done? Sometimes I do not want to catch up in the park because we don't have that rapport yet, but maybe the magic of us will happen while you're working while I do your dishes so you don't have to. Maybe I can help you fold your laundry, even though I don't even fold my own. Lol. Angel came over a few weeks ago and brought me coffee while I sent emails and it was the most fun I'd had in the morning since I got back from Oslo. I'm about to go help a friend do some moving and apartment clean-up. I love a treat and a chore hang! What's more intimate than me being a part of your life rather than just hearing about it, yknow?
I appreciate Substack for being the sole social media app where I can read 2-3 long form essays a day about something I know absolutely nothing about and also a space where I will never find myself doomscrolling because as Substack user @yourunclecozy put it, "...you are all insufferable :)" Harmless, but irritating netizens aside, Substack does have some gems, one of my currents faves being Fumes, a perfume enthusiast based in Australia who sends weekly Sunday essays on scents and their stories that I now ritualistically read over coffee.
Landing this dispatch here with images from my spring, til next time <333
